The past (#2)

We gave up~ at least I know that I did. I had to give up and surrender my desire and longing to become a mother to God. I had to give up all of the baby furniture we had purchased or been given. I had to say and believe that I would be okay if I was never to become a mother. I had to be okay with the person that I was in that moment. I had to know deep in my being that God was still God and that He was in control and loved me even if I was never going to be a mother. I thought that becoming a mom would in some way complete me, but I was so afraid of becoming the very thing that I wanted so  bad, I was afraid that I would let my past once again control my future. I didn't know that I had been letting my fear control me and dictate every part of our journey. After 3 failed possibilities for our family to begin, I said enough. I packed up the crib, carseat, stroller and the diaper bag that we had bought and packed for our future child. We headed out to donate the items. Our first stop was a non-profit agency for drug abuse families trying to clean up their life, but for that day there was no answer. Then we stopped at 2 other non-profit agencies all with the goal of helping others in need. Again, no answer. We ended up at Goodwill. When they came out to help us unload our precious hopes and dreams and what felt like our future, they told us that most of the items would end up in the garbage because they were no longer accepting used items for babies. I had to leave, I couldn't stay and watch someone throw my dreams in the garbage. I felt like a large piece of me was dying. That was a very hard day. I had told a few people that we were done. That we couldn't keep hoping, keep trying or keep wishing anymore. My heart was broken and I was trying to move on. Each morning, I got up and functioned. Not because I wanted to,  but because I knew I had to. God had helped me so much before, I knew He would do it again. I began to let go of the pain. I began to confess and see myself as a daughter of the King. The daughter that I knew I was, but I lost my identity. I lost who I really was instead I became almost obsessed with becoming a mother. God continued to heal my heart and show me who I was and the person that He created me to be was a beautiful woman of God. I daughter and a wife. He reminded me that I didn't need to put myself in a mold, because He already created the mold for my life when I was born and He made me perfect in His sight, (through the blood of Christ). Months passed and I really accepted who I was and what David and my life was going to be. I no longer needed to become a mother. I knew that I would be okay who I was right now. I actually thought I didn't even want to be a mother anymore. Then one day, I was watching something on tv. To this day, I have no idea what it was, but I do remember that I started to sob, and I looked up to Heaven and cried, Daddy God, please give me a baby to love. I want to be a mommy. As I sat there and cried, I knew that it was a different cry than before. I was honestly surprised that that deep cry came out. I thought that I had forgotten about becoming a mommy and I thought that I didn't even want it anymore. This time though, when I was done crying out, I didn't become sad about it, I cried out to my daddy and I knew that He heard me, He comforted me and He loved on me and I knew He had control of the situation and that I no longer needed to worry about it.